More Emails From My Mother: A Cinco de Mayo Post

As longtime readers know, my mother often sends me delightful, holiday themed emails. They range from boring to insipid, vaguely offensive to outrageous. Not quite sure where this one fits....
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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT?? You expected something educational ?

Apologies to my Fellow Bloggers

Apologies: I can't read your stuff at work for fear of being busted. And since I work 10.5 billable hours every day (that means more like 11 with a lunch break and whatnot and a hour total to get to and from work) I have almost no computer time. So I'm very sorry I haven't read your brilliant blogs. At some point, I'll a) catch up and b) write stories about work. But right now, I'd rather write about the detritus that floats around my head at work. And I'll visit you all soon.

I also apologize for the ongoing sub-par quality of my blog. Thanks for your patience.

Sincerely,

Ms. Laaw-yuhr, Esq.

P.S. I passed the DC bar.

Activity of The Week: Vanity Projects

Should I ever become a world famous lawyer, or world famous anything, the first order of business will be to start a vanity project. For those of you who don't know, a so called "vanity project" is a side gig, often what one considers his/her "true calling" but is actually done to stroke one's already enormous ego. The logic is that the person (me in this case) has lucked up and become famous in one field and therefore thinks his/her "talent" will translate equally well to another field. This is of course a complete fallacy. Some classic examples:

Nero: the emperor who fiddled while Rome burned as the saying goes. Nero actually wasn't such a bad emperor - though while a spectacular fire was ravaging Rome, he took a moment to write some fire-inspired poetry. And he was a truly wretched artist, but he always entered poetry contests which he always seemed to win. I guess other poets preferred keeping their heads to having them crowned with laurels. It's kind of like if W. were a country singer. Unlike W. however, Nero did manage to make some decent decisions as emperor. During the fire he evacuated people to the public gardens where they were temporarily housed and subsequently passed a law requiring the first two stories of all Roman buildings must be stone to help prevent future fire. All in all, better command than the Katrina aftermath.

But what about a more recent example you say? Let's turn to none other than a band, a personal favorite of my sister's, known as 30 Odd Foot of Grunt - aka TOFOG - aka The Russell Crowe Vanity Project Band. You know what you should do if you're an Oscar award winning actor? Channel that mojo into you're 7th grade dream of starting a band. Not to worry - you're lyrics will be the sort you would have come up with in 7th grade. Please to enjoy the following video by TOFOG for his hit "The Weight of a Man". And be sure to watch for the following:

• band members that materialize out of the wall
• over use of rose petals
• cymbols that have strangely accumulated dust
• video created to evoke Gladiator, but also says "now I'm a matador"

Now that you have seen the video, does anyone else think RC might have written this song to convey that he has a mighty penis? Let's review the lyrics:

This could be heavy,
not as easy,as it seems.
Quite tough to carry,
a lot more inside,that no-one has seen.

But you lying there,
you're not one bit scared,
to shoulder,
a burden like me.

I rest my case.

And what will my vanity project be? Why, it will be a band. A band called (DON'T OPEN LINK AT WORK) Cisco Adler's Nuts , for the sheer visceral reaction and the awesome lawsuits that will inevitably result. See my sis will join too, and we're like two peas in a pod, or like two, well, you know.... And since our heads are completely up our asses at this point, our first album will be titled "We're Already Big In Japan".

Now tell me about your future vanity project.


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The Most Pretentious Facebook Page Ever

Yeah, sorry about the hiatus. I've been sick. And working seven days a week as a contract attorney. And the dog ate my homework.

But a while back my sister came to visit. And over many alcoholic beverages, we shared our amusement the very pretentious Facebook pages that some people have created. Come on, do you really want me to believe little 25 year old child that your favorite book is Plato's Republic? Would you like a side order of douchebaggery with your pretention?

So in honor of these brave souls, who shall remain nameless, who set out to create facebook pages that appear to shine with intellect but instead are the sounding brass of mediocrity. In their honor, my sister and I created THE MOST PRETENTION FACEBOOK PAGE EVER. We also took a really pretentious picture of her in the DC cherry blossoms.

Most of the items in the "Interests" section were chosen by going through the dictionary and picking out words we didn't know, so don't feel inadequate if you don't know either.

Now, Behold the page in all its glory!

R**** G*****,

if only for the sake of elegance, is trying to remain morally pure.

Networks:	None
Interested In:	Men
Relationship Status:	In a Relationship
Looking For:	Friendship
Birthday:	May 3, 1982
Religious Views:	existentialist

Personal Info

Activities:	tisaning, commensalism, periphrasis, laicizing, envaginating, learning to overcome my corporeal existence
Interests:	bailiwick, lascers, saggers, graban, emetine, gordian knots, megilp, megaspores, semiotics, telotaxis, villein, the Buryat Republic, the allegory of the cave, Admiral Bembo's Ladder,
Favorite Music:	SHREDEXX, LEVELS aka FLASHMONEY PRODUKKY aka THE SUGAR CANE HURRICANE. LES CRITIQUE, ALL GRIME except movement. Bare Hiphop - B.I.G - Mobb Deep - Pharoe Monch-The Lox, BASSLINE, DUBSTEP.
Favorite TV Shows:	TV is the hobgoblin of little minds.
Favorite Movies:	Weekend (Jean Luc Goddard); Sleep (Andy Warhol); Un chien andalou (Dali et Buñuel); Ballet mécanique (Léger); Le charme discret de la bourgeoisie (Buñuel); Satyricon (Fellini)
Favorite Books:	Atlas Shrugged; Paradise Lost; Human, All Too Human; The Brothers Karamazov; Moby Dick; The Well Wrought Urn; The Oeconomicus; À la recherche du temps perdu
Favorite Quotes:	so much depends upon a red wheel barrow
About Me:	That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character.

15 groups.

See All

Goethe Institut(e) im Göttingen (Goettingen) ▪ Sherlock Holmes Club and Purveyors of Sherlockiana ▪ Cognitive Semiotics ▪ Existentialism ▪ Center for Linguistic Diversity ▪ Raw Food Life Style ▪ Whitehot Magazine of Contemporary Art: the official Facebook group ▪ Nouvelle Vague ▪ Matthew Barney ▪ The Harold Pinter Appreciation Society ▪ FREE TIBET! ▪ West Dean College ▪ Cordwainers College (London College of Fashion) ▪ University of the Arts- London ▪ The Youngin Europe Facebook Group

Your results for What German philosopher are you?

Martin Heidegger

You are Heidegger: his main interests were in ontology, metaphysics, the history of Western philosophy, and technology. He is most known today for his writings on Phenomenology, Hermeneutics and Existentialism. He is criticized for joining the Nazi party during World War II, and modern philosophers don't agree about his intentions. Like Heidegger, you enjoy secluding yourself often to think about life and philosophy. You're passionate, and your relationships can sometimes be stormy.

Jumper: Or Crappy Movies You Can Tell A Guy Wrote

You know, we ladies get a lot of flack for our so called "Chick Flicks". And I'll agree, a lot of that criticism is fair.

Then again, I do have a vagina, so I do enjoy a number of those movies (e.g. Music and Lyrics). I will not pretend that they are great cinema, but they are occasionally an enjoyable cinematic diversions. (And no, I do not make any guy I date go to see them, just like I'm not going to watch some stupid f*ing football game with you).

Likewise, though guys deny it, there is a similar species of film that exists for the less-fair sex. I'll call them "Man Flicks" for lack of a better term. Sure, guys try to camouflage them as something else, but they are guy relationship films. High Fidelity is an example of the best, and most honest of the form, the rest being thinly veiled action/sci-fi films and whatnot that are really just guy wish fulfillment. This is the only logical explanation for the film Jumper.

How do I figure? Well, first of all the film is 88 minutes in length and is ostensibly about this war between so called "Jumpers" who can teleport and the "Paladins" that have been around hunting them since the 13th century. The Paladins hunt the Jumpers because "only God should be able to be all places" or some such nonsense. Based on this flimsy, though action heavy premis, this movie should be full of unmitigated awesomeness. It should be all Samuel L. Jackson with his Mace Windu mojo going as the head Paladin. It should be the awesomeness of a centuries old war where we have people who teleport and then people with electro-whips who hunt the teleporters down. Yes, it should be unmitigated awesomeness.

What have we got instead? A guy date movie. The first 10 minutes of the film are devoted to Hayden Christansen (I don't even remember his character's name) liking an unattainable girl who's nice to him and then getting the crap beaten out of him by her boyfriend. Cut to the future where Hayden is a bank robbing douchebag who uses his power to hop to London to bang chicks. But you know, his heart is still in Ann Arbor with that girl from high school. (sigh).

This reminds me of something Robert A. Heinlein once wrote: "Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.

Anyway, so after a ton of time wasted on that opening scene, Mace er I mean, Samuel L. shows up to bring the fight to douchebag, who was previously unaware that there were other people like him and even less aware that there is a group of people devoted to his extinction. And after a proper whooping by Samuel L. what does Hayden decide to do? Does he lay lo and try to figure out who is after him? Does he does any sort of investigation or attempt to protect himself?

No. He decides that now would be a good time to track down his childhood sweetheart. And then he takes her to Italy - by PLANE - he doesn't teleport or anything. And then we spend about 20 or so minutes of the film wandering around Italy with them, where he pretends to be unable to teleport and that he earns his money in "banking" as opposed to robbing banks. (sigh). And yeah, it's just as boring as it sounds. I love Italy; I hated watching them ruin it. Where is the ass kicking I ask you? I even went to the bathroom during this part of the film. Belatedly, because they are so out in the open, the Paladins show up to catch Hayden, and then his boring lies to his girly girl begin to compound.

Now some of you may now be saying that this story line was interjected to appeal to female viewers. Not so I say. Why? Because then the relationship falls into the archetypal male relationship complaints, namely, "sure she's hot and I dig her, but why does she have to talk so much"? By talking I mean she begins to ask where he gets his money, and wants to know what's going on, and doesn't want him to lie to her, and why are they running, yada yada yada.

Gentlemen, I can assure you, this would not happen.

1) If you have a lot of unexplained money, I don't care where it comes from.
As long as not junkies are going to show up at my/your/our house, and I'm not going to get shot, I don't care where you get your money. In fact, don't tell me - I don't want to become an accessory to the crime (unless of course you marry me, and then in federal court our communications will be privileged and I can't be forced to testify against you). But in general, don't tell me - just keep the diamonds coming.

2) Seriously, you can teleport? I really don't care about anything else. Why didn't you just f*ing tell me sooner? Just teleport me somewhere awesome. Now. Oh come on. Ok, sure, people are after you, but you can TELEPORT. I can just see myself at brunch with the girls: "my boyfriend's a brain surgeon blah blah blah". Oh yeah, mine can teleport.

Honestly, we are not going to have your normal relationship problems.

Me, My Greek Chorus, and I: More Things That Thag and I Think Are Funny (and no one else does)

Longtime readers may remember my alter ego Thag.

Thag is my id, that internal voice that says, "no, don't calmly reboot your computer, hit it while cursing loudly until it works". Thag is also entirely responsible for my puerile sense of humor, and therefore, ultimately responsible for this post.



Also, please meet my super-ego, who I like to call Happy Robot Face.




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Alec Baldwin,
CANC-er Doctor
Before he was on 30 Rock, Alec Baldwin (the only Baldwin that counts) was one of the greatest SNL hosts of all time. My favorite skit from the late 90's featured Alec describing to an entertainment report how he prepared for his role as a doctor on a popular (fictional) soap. Alec waxed on and on about the fact that he studied with real doctors to prepare for his role. When they cut to a scene from the soap, Alec pronounced every medical term incorrectly. For example "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but you have a tumor. That's right, it's CANC-er. It could be be-NIG, it could be mall-egg-NANT.




Be-NIG or mall-egg-Nant. That's HIGH-larious.








You are both idiots.




Tobias Funke,
ah-NAL-ra-PIST
Ah Arrested Development. It makes me sad to no end that there were only three seasons of what I believe to be the funniest show ever. Especially when one considers that oh, Home Improvement was on for 8 seasons and Everybody Loves Raymond was on for 9. Middle America just doesn't appreciate great comedy, and perhaps such people do not deserve better. I digress.

So one of the best moments on Arrested Development (and there are many) occurred when Tobias Funke, the closeted psychiatrist, has new business cards made. Thinking he is being clever with his job title, Tobias decides to combine "Analyst" and "Therapist" to form "Analrapist" (which is of course Anal Rapist). For some reason, I find mispronouncing words hilarious. The zinger is when Tobias's daughter, Maeby, throws in "Yeah, Dad nearly went to jail for that one."



ah-NAL-rapist. So funny...can't...stop...laughing....







It's a good thing breathing is an autonomic function, otherwise you two would be in a world of hurt. I know you won't get that joke, but what I'm saying is you two are so stupid you can barely breathe.



ShamWow!
Who doesn't need 8 assorted size imitation chamois?! I can't think of anyone. In fact, since I wish never to buy paper towels again, I think 8 ShamWows are perfectly in order. And at only $20, what a bargain! If you don't believe me, go to the website for the man wearing a headset to tell you more.




ShamWow - the name says it all.








Woe that my existence is shackled to the likes of you two.

Adventures in Boredom: A Recent Conversation Between Me And Tiny

Tiny is of course my steadfast and loyal roommate, and like the Borg, she is one of two (EZ being two).

Me: I think we need a waffle iron.

Tiny: Why?

Me: To make waffles for brunch and stuff.

Tiny: Are we going to be making brunch?

Me: Totally.

Tiny: I'm not sure we have room for a waffle iron.

Me: Of course we do. We'll just stick it in that cabinet where we put the other appliances.

Tiny: That cabinet is pretty full. Can you make waffles without the iron?

Me: No. Those are called pancakes.