Monday, March 3, 2008

Jumper: Or Crappy Movies You Can Tell A Guy Wrote

You know, we ladies get a lot of flack for our so called "Chick Flicks". And I'll agree, a lot of that criticism is fair.

Then again, I do have a vagina, so I do enjoy a number of those movies (e.g. Music and Lyrics). I will not pretend that they are great cinema, but they are occasionally an enjoyable cinematic diversions. (And no, I do not make any guy I date go to see them, just like I'm not going to watch some stupid f*ing football game with you).

Likewise, though guys deny it, there is a similar species of film that exists for the less-fair sex. I'll call them "Man Flicks" for lack of a better term. Sure, guys try to camouflage them as something else, but they are guy relationship films. High Fidelity is an example of the best, and most honest of the form, the rest being thinly veiled action/sci-fi films and whatnot that are really just guy wish fulfillment. This is the only logical explanation for the film

How do I figure? Well, first of all the film is 88 minutes in length and is ostensibly about this war between so called "Jumpers" who can teleport and the "Paladins" that have been around hunting them since the 13th century. The Paladins hunt the Jumpers because "only God should be able to be all places" or some such nonsense. Based on this flimsy, though action heavy premis, this movie should be full of unmitigated awesomeness. It should be all Samuel L. Jackson with his Mace Windu mojo going as the head Paladin. It should be the awesomeness of a centuries old war where we have people who teleport and then people with electro-whips who hunt the teleporters down. Yes, it should be unmitigated awesomeness.

What have we got instead? A guy date movie. The first 10 minutes of the film are devoted to Hayden Christansen (I don't even remember his character's name) liking an unattainable girl who's nice to him and then getting the crap beaten out of him by her boyfriend. Cut to the future where Hayden is a bank robbing douchebag who uses his power to hop to London to bang chicks. But you know, his heart is still in Ann Arbor with that girl from high school. (sigh).

This reminds me of something Robert A. Heinlein once wrote: "Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.

Anyway, so after a ton of time wasted on that opening scene, Mace er I mean, Samuel L. shows up to bring the fight to douchebag, who was previously unaware that there were other people like him and even less aware that there is a group of people devoted to his extinction. And after a proper whooping by Samuel L. what does Hayden decide to do? Does he lay lo and try to figure out who is after him? Does he does any sort of investigation or attempt to protect himself?

No. He decides that now would be a good time to track down his childhood sweetheart. And then he takes her to Italy - by PLANE - he doesn't teleport or anything. And then we spend about 20 or so minutes of the film wandering around Italy with them, where he pretends to be unable to teleport and that he earns his money in "banking" as opposed to robbing banks. (sigh). And yeah, it's just as boring as it sounds. I love Italy; I hated watching them ruin it. Where is the ass kicking I ask you? I even went to the bathroom during this part of the film. Belatedly, because they are so out in the open, the Paladins show up to catch Hayden, and then his boring lies to his girly girl begin to compound.

Now some of you may now be saying that this story line was interjected to appeal to female viewers. Not so I say. Why? Because then the relationship falls into the archetypal male relationship complaints, namely, "sure she's hot and I dig her, but why does she have to talk so much"? By talking I mean she begins to ask where he gets his money, and wants to know what's going on, and doesn't want him to lie to her, and why are they running, yada yada yada.

Gentlemen, I can assure you, this would not happen.

1) If you have a lot of unexplained money, I don't care where it comes from.
As long as not junkies are going to show up at my/your/our house, and I'm not going to get shot, I don't care where you get your money. In fact, don't tell me - I don't want to become an accessory to the crime (unless of course you marry me, and then in federal court our communications will be privileged and I can't be forced to testify against you). But in general, don't tell me - just keep the diamonds coming.

2) Seriously, you can teleport? I really don't care about anything else. Why didn't you just f*ing tell me sooner? Just teleport me somewhere awesome. Now. Oh come on. Ok, sure, people are after you, but you can TELEPORT. I can just see myself at brunch with the girls: "my boyfriend's a brain surgeon blah blah blah". Oh yeah, mine can teleport.

Honestly, we are not going to have your normal relationship problems.


Pezda's Ghost said...

As a guy, who likes guy movies, I have absolutely no interest in seeing this movie. Probably due to the fact that it stars Hayden Christansen.

Leonesse said...

All well and good until he teleports out every time you ask him to take out the trash. Bastard.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I'm with Pezda's Ghost. Why is Hayden Christansen allowed to act in public?

Winter said...

So glad I didn't go see that this weekend, you have no idea how close I came to it!

Red said...

Sooooo with you guys on the Hayden Christiansen thing. I love High Fidelity. I can see why you might put it in this genre, but I would disagree. If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it.

McGone said...

I'll call them "Man Flicks" for lack of a better term.

The better term is "Dick Flicks."

Blogda said...

Mcgone, I second that notion.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I make fun of people for watching Chick Flicks, but it's true that I'm guilty of loving equally crappy Guy Flicks, like anything with Steven Segal.

A valid point . . .

pistols at dawn said...

One of the many upsides of my current schedule means I don't even learn when things like this are released.

For this, I am glad.

Grant Miller said...

My dad wrote that movie.


Newsha said...

You are always drawn to the crappiest movies. You might wanna get checked out by a doctor.

Nina Paley said...

Alright, it's been a month. A MONTH. Time for a new post, please.

Love from your pushy fan,


I'm Frank said...

I spent money on that movie.

My first thought was "Oh hey, that's Ann Arbor. My mommy works there!"

Then my attention was drawn to Hayden's complete and utter inability to act, as well as the gaping plot black holes that sucked away any of the fun this movie SHOULD have had.


The Idea Of Progress said...

This must be the most time anyone has devoted to that movie since the filming of it.

Franki said...

I don't know anything about this movie but I just wanna say, "Where is my teleportation dammit!"

Fastfingers said...

I always call them Dick Flicks (as opposed to Chick Flicks).