Monday, April 28, 2008

Activity of The Week: Vanity Projects

Should I ever become a world famous lawyer, or world famous anything, the first order of business will be to start a vanity project. For those of you who don't know, a so called "vanity project" is a side gig, often what one considers his/her "true calling" but is actually done to stroke one's already enormous ego. The logic is that the person (me in this case) has lucked up and become famous in one field and therefore thinks his/her "talent" will translate equally well to another field. This is of course a complete fallacy. Some classic examples:

Nero: the emperor who fiddled while Rome burned as the saying goes. Nero actually wasn't such a bad emperor - though while a spectacular fire was ravaging Rome, he took a moment to write some fire-inspired poetry. And he was a truly wretched artist, but he always entered poetry contests which he always seemed to win. I guess other poets preferred keeping their heads to having them crowned with laurels. It's kind of like if W. were a country singer. Unlike W. however, Nero did manage to make some decent decisions as emperor. During the fire he evacuated people to the public gardens where they were temporarily housed and subsequently passed a law requiring the first two stories of all Roman buildings must be stone to help prevent future fire. All in all, better command than the Katrina aftermath.

But what about a more recent example you say? Let's turn to none other than a band, a personal favorite of my sister's, known as 30 Odd Foot of Grunt - aka TOFOG - aka The Russell Crowe Vanity Project Band. You know what you should do if you're an Oscar award winning actor? Channel that mojo into you're 7th grade dream of starting a band. Not to worry - you're lyrics will be the sort you would have come up with in 7th grade. Please to enjoy the following video by TOFOG for his hit "The Weight of a Man". And be sure to watch for the following:
  • band members that materialize out of the wall
  • over use of rose petals
  • cymbols that have strangely accumulated dust
  • video created to evoke Gladiator, but also says "now I'm a matador"

Now that you have seen the video, does anyone else think RC might have written this song to convey that he has a mighty penis? Let's review the lyrics:

This could be heavy,
not as easy,as it seems.
Quite tough to carry,
a lot more inside,that no-one has seen.

But you lying there,
you're not one bit scared,
to shoulder,
a burden like me.

I rest my case.

And what will my vanity project be? Why, it will be a band. A band called (DON'T OPEN LINK AT WORK) Cisco Adler's Nuts , for the sheer visceral reaction and the awesome lawsuits that will inevitably result. See my sis will join too, and we're like two peas in a pod, or like two, well, you know.... And since our heads are completely up our asses at this point, our first album will be titled "We're Already Big In Japan".

Now tell me about your future vanity project.



Nina Paley said...

My life is a vanity project.

pistols at dawn said...

Whenever anything goes badly, I always say, "Let's get the band back together." The world needs more bad 8th grade poetry.

Anonymous said...

I don't care what you say - Russell is hot.

You also forgot to give a shout out to the living picture.

Blogda said...

I am so angry at you for making me watch ANY of that video (I only made it through 39 seconds). Lord Almighty, that was the shittiest shit that ever shat. I hope he get's throat cancer now.

Blogda said...

I am now even more angry at you for bringing Cisco Adler's nuts to my attention...boooooooo!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Dear!! his nuts are longer than his dick!! Oh-- maybe I'm so f'ing naive, but does that really happen??!!!??