Monday, January 21, 2008

A Few Words To The Bitch Next to Me On The Elliptical Machine

Oh, hello there.

Since it's the early afternoon and there's about 17 empty machines here in a row, I'm bewildered why you've decided to work out on the machine right next to me. You realize that that's the equivalent of a man peeing next to another man when he could have put a urinal between them? No? Oh, you don't care. I see.

What's that? I see you looking at my mini-TV. And yes, yes I
am watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. So what? Stop judging me. I'm a geek, ok? And I've already seen the episode of Project Runway that you're watching. Look, it's the afternoon, and I definitely can't work out to anything remotely intellectual. The History Channel sucks ass in the middle of the day. Working out with the CNN ticker on makes me practically apoplectic. Conversely, watching TRL on MTV makes me feel old. And VH1 is doing one of those shows on rich people that only makes me feel poor. It's not like you can hear my Star Trek. And hey, you wouldn't get infected with my geek vibes if you had worked out at a machine further away from me. You reap what you sow, gym-ho.

Also, I can't help but notice your scapula poking through your spandex. I can also count some ribs. In addition, your spindly legs are moving at lightening speed. Hey! Hey! Stop looking at the readout on my elliptical machine! You know what? I'm not as fast as you. I'm just starting. I'm asthmatic. I'm still recovering from sinus surgery. Is THIS why you're next to me?! Does it make you feel better?

Seriously gym-ho, you'd better watch yourself. You work out next to me again, I'll put a stick in your elliptical.


Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

I just noticed that I posted this at 4:20, which makes me laugh.

pistols at dawn said...

420, bradda! Nice.

I still don't know what an elliptical machine is, because I've never actually been inside a gym. Physically fit people make me uncomfortable. But you should cut that bitch, esse.

McGone said...

Oh yeah, I know her... she is a total bitch.

Anonymous said...

You GO!! Make it work, bitch!! Take it, take it, wowo yay!! You can DO IT!!

Nina Paley said...

Didn't you just post that it's a gay gym? Bitch next to you was just trying to pick you up.

Blogda said...

Shit man, she can't help it if she look good.

By the way, have you been to Trader Joe's lately? I hear they have these gear lavender dryer bags...

Newsha said...

1. She's a bitch OR

2. Ms. Paley is right. Especially if you were wearing a sports bra (extra cleavage) and a tank top. OR

3. It's her favorite machine. I do this, too. The gym will be empty, but the one person there is on the machine next to MINE. I feel really self-conscious getting on that machine, but what am I supposed to do? Get on another machine? Are you crazy?!

(If she kept looking over at your panel, she's a bitch. Cough on her arm.)

The Guv'ner said...

Yeah I love people with no idea of personal space. I want to fix them with my death stare and in a great, big, offensive Cockney accent go, "WATCHOO LOOKIN' AT, MATE?" and if that doesn't work I would then show them just how fast that machine can actually go. Let's see you run NOW beeyotch!

Grant Miller said...

I never watch TV when I work out. I run on the treadmill, singing along w/ my iPod. And then I watch other people's TV.

Evil Evil Genius said...

Maybe she's agoraphobic.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I eat bitches like that for breakfast - take me to your gym and I'll kick her ass.

Bert Bananas said...

hey, you're a lawyer! get a restraining order! sue her for intentional infliction of emotional distress!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I think she was looking at your TV screen cause you were watching Deep THROAT Nine. Hardly appropriate workout viewing. Shame, shame.

Leonesse said...

Sounds like 4:20 didn't yet happen before the post, otherwise you would been distracted in the middle and been telling us about what you just ate.

Oneface said...

I finally found an angry blogger... Preach on!!!

WendyB said...

It wasn't me! I was watching America's Next Top Model over my neighbor's shoulder.

Evil Genius said...

What are you doing on June 11?

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Pistols - Oh I will, like this is east LA not a scene from West Side Story.

McGone - You failed me by not taking her out first then.

Anonymous - Are you cheering me on for working out or cutting someone?

Nina Paley - While I do alright with the lesbians (I got checked out at pride after all), I think this girl fell in the "anorexic" camp as opposed to the "lesbian" camp. Because I would be totally flattered if it were the latter rather than the former.

Blogda - Damn, I do look good.

Newsh - I will try your coughing technique rather than cutting then. After all, violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Guv - sadly, bitch could outrun me. That's why I'd put a stick into her wild gyrations.

GM - I too sing to my IPOD all the time. Glad I'm not alone.

EEG - I'm not bitch's therapist

Cherry - Yes this is Results at Dupont, and yes I want you to take her out.

Burt - I may be a lawyer, but I will not engage in frivolous law suits that only serve to give my profession a bad name. Not when violence is so much more straightforward.

K-Noise - Ha. You wish. But if the fantasy pleases you, well, engage Number 1.

Leonesse - Yeah, I'm not a smoker. I find I have enough troubles with memory and eating that I don't need to add another vice to that combo.

Oneface - I am only angry occasionally. Usually I'm kittens and butterflies and feelings.

WendyB - no, I'm sure you and I would have a nice chat if we worked out next to one another.

EEG - I have no idea.