Friday, January 4, 2008
The Best Christmas Gift Ever
Behold in all its glory,
A present to rival gold, frankincense, and myrrh!
I present to you, dear reader, a Christmas gift apex:
Complete with enormous zipper
A poinsettia appliquéd sweater vest.
See how it glitters!
See how it shines!
Did ever a present more clearly say
"You are going to be an old maid?"
In this sweater I defy you to get laid!
Ah the zipper!
No space shall remain plain
a lone bloom dangles
arthritic hands and failing eyes to aid
Also note, dear reader,
its sack-like, sexless fit
but unlike those that found for OJ
this is an injury I cannot acquit
But there is one glimmer
one tiny spark of hope
my sister received a gift as well
so I am not alone.
No doubt, there is a burning question that remains: who could have given me such a spectacular gift? Ah, the person behind the gift is as entertaining as the gift itself. Let's just call my benefactress Lady M.
Lady M was my parent's landlord when they first moved to Texas. Lady M is still in the landlord business and every year regales us with tales of how her rent houses have been converted into drug labs and whore houses. She's on a first name basis with every judge in the area because she's evicted so many people.
Lady M. has also had more plastic surgery than Joan and Melissa Rivers combined, however she looks ghastly and is incredibly cheap which makes me think she gets her facelifts from hacienda de facelift in Mexico. Her face has a totally inhuman quality, and if you dropped a plum bob off the front of her face, I think her eyes are sunken in a good two inches from her forehead. Contributing to the overall scary effect is her cheap wig from 1960, lipstick the color of crayon that looks like it was applied while driving over rough terrain, and a wardrobe consisting entirely of decorated track suits.
Lady M also likes to play matchmaker and each year when I'm home for the holidays she offers sometimes offer to set me up. Last year she wanted me to date a newly divorced attorney (with two small kids), but this year she informed me he is sketchy as he throws his $2,000 rent under her doormat in cash in the middle of the night which somehow keeps his ex-wife out of his money. This year she wanted to set me up with her cousin, also an attorney, and my imagination runs wild with what he must be like. Sadly, none of these dates have come to pass - not sad in the sense that I would actually like to date any of these gents - but sad in the sense that I can only imagine the insane stories I would come away with.
If I ever do go on one of these dates, I will be sure to wear this sweater.