Thursday, February 14, 2008

13 Year Old Me Sends A Letter to My Valentine

Dear Mr. Darcy,

I just thought, it being Valentine's Day* and all, that perhaps I would jot you a quick note and let you know I've had a crush on you since forever. Your haughty demeanor and stubborn pride - which only after a number of trials will I realize is tempered by affection for your sister and friends - makes me all swooney.

It also doesn't hurt that you are rich and have a sweet country estate. And if I may be so bold to add, you look good in breeches - that is not easy feat in this day and age. I don't care if one does play polo, it can look a bit gay, but you manage to pull it off. You also work that cravat thing, because really, under normal circumstances, if I were going out with a guy who wore a fluffy scarf all the time, people might have a few questions (that whole David Bowie androgeny thing is so over, I don't care if he is married to Iman).

Unfortunately, you are an impossible model of manhood. I mean, who asks somebody to marry them after one ball and a few turns around the parlor? If this were the current state of affairs, we would have no need for Rodger Lodge, The Bachelor, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and perhaps ultimately, Cheaters. Also, you write letters comprised of complete sentences with narry an emoticon to be found. I can't imagine what it's like to convey emotion solely through tone and word choice, rather than a smiley face at the end of a sentence. I'd like to imagine that even if you had text messaging, you would spell words completely and that you would never, ever resort to an 11:30 p.m. booty call text. Or that at least if you did, it would be way classy.

Anyway, just thought you'd like to know that I think you are way hot and if you were real, I would totally ask you to go out with me.

Yours Truly,

Ms. Laaw-yuhr

P.S. I really prefer for you to be played by Colin Firth rather than Matthew MacFayden, although I'm not going to hate on Matthew.

*My Friend has renamed the holiday Singles Awareness Day


The Guv'ner said...

His text would be something like:

"Darling. It would be 2 my gr8 pleasure to escort U 2 luncheon on 2sday but 4 2nite how about some quality fornic8tion?"

newsh newsh said...

I love love love Singles Awareness Day. Although, I've always been aware of my neverending singleness.

Leonesse said...

Ah, but mine would be Dolph Lundgren in whatever Rocky Movie that was. Oh, and don't speak, Mr. Cold War Boxer, just stand there and glisten, thankyouverymuch.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I certainly hope that the modern day you has been watching Mr. Firth as Mr. Darcy on PBS Masterpiece. Yes. FYI episode two of what I refer to as "the good" Pride & Prejudice from the BBC is being re-aired next week.

I'm a freak for it.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

What is Roger Lodge?

pistols at dawn said...

The Cherry Ride just earned my scorn. What, were you too busy getting laid to watch Blind Date?

You should have done what I did, and made watching it an activity you did with partners. I liked it because it scared women into thinking those weirdos were their only other options, and they'd stay with me until I wanted them to leave.

So what I'm saying is that I'm a lot like Mr. Darcy.

Grant Miller said...

That is so romantic.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Hahahha. Roger Lodge . . .

I liked when he'd always say, "On a date we like to call The Buttfuck," or whatever he'd call the date.

katrocket said...

You have most elegant taste when it comes to gentleman callers.

Gnugs said...

"Oh, Mr. DAR-cy"

The reason I can't find a good man? You guessed it. It's all Colin Firth's portrayal of one of the most romantic figures in Literature to date.

Now I'm not going to get anything done all day while I replay the entire book in my head.

Who needs work, when there's daydreaming to do!

Old Lady said...

Colin's Darcy is the best by far.