Sunday, July 13, 2008

More Emails From My Mother: Adventures in Texas Opry

Well, Girls, your Dad and I have failed you. We neglected to expose you to the culture right here in our own back yard. Tonight we had an incredible evening.

We went to Wylie for dinner at "A Taste of Home". Daughter 2 and I went there for lunch before she left. The dinner entrees were not as good as the lunch offerings but it could be just what we ordered--we had the turkey and dressing--which was good but not as outstanding as the chicken salad. They did a good job in the old house and we even had a glass of wine with dinner. They need as few lessons in fine dining. Why would you seat a "mature couple" next to a table with 3 kids? Especially since we had reservations and they knew we were coming. Put all the adults in a room together and all the families in another. The house certainly would accommodate that arrangement.

After our dinner we strolled down the street to check out the Wylie Opry. We were reading the signs on the window when a large lady swooped out and asked if we liked country music. We said "yes" so she said "come on in--we have a live band". Well, things have changed since we use to go to the Farmersville Opry in the early 70's to hear Blondy Jhune play mandolin. They use to pass the hat but now there is a $7 charge for seniors. Let me tell you we were not only among the youngest patrons but also the thinnest.

When we purchased our tickets the man said, "I guess you want something near the back. Well, I'm putting you next to two ladies who can answer any question you might have since this is your first time." Well, we take our seats and before long the three ladies from the row ahead plus the two beside us were asking where we were from and assuring us we were going to love the music. One lady went back to get us a program and we were all becoming fast friends--as is common in the South.

The lady sitting next to me had stories to rival Mrs. Phil Morgan. She just had cataract surgery last Monday and couldn't find 2.50+ reading glasses. This problem I could help with as I told her the nicer ones could be had at "Reading Glasses to Go" but I think she sensed they might be expensive and said she really didn't know how badly she needed them so I steered her to Walgreens. Now, we are really getting close so she precedes to tell me that she had 4 sons but has lost 2. One was 55 in the hospital for 4 weeks with a blocked bowl before he passed. The other son worked in oil and gas in Cleburne, was 51 and died suddenly with a heart attack. She had also lost her husband who had 4 stints and lots of surgery but still she wasn't prepared.

Luckily, the show started. What a surprise. They opened with "Folsom Prison" and I said to Dad--Daughter 2 would have loved this. The band was incredibly good--suitable for a wedding party on the back lawn, Daughter 2. They were all amazing musicians and could sing as well. But then the talent for the evening started performing. There were three teen age girls--Lee Ann Rhimes "wannabes". Well, They screeched, couldn't understand a thing they sang and were most of the time off key--just like Lee Ann. Luckily, they were only permitted to do 2 numbers before intermission and 1 after. There was another young man dressed in a white suit--looked just like Hank Williams--who was very good and another young man with a high tenor voice who was also very good. Another young man's voice has yet to change so I fear for his long range career.

As each performer sang there was a basket out front on the stage and people filed down and put bills--dollars, I presume--in the basket. All seemed to go away with a hand full of bills regardless of ability.

The show started at 8 and ended promptly at 11--closing with a gospel number that was real swinging. Our neighbors invited us to come back on Friday night for the gospel show assuring us it was just as good but started at 7:30 and ended at 11. Know what--I'll bet the gospel show would be entertaining as well.

Well, girls, when you are home the next visit we will have to remedy this lack of exposure to our local culture. Perhaps you will have guests who you would like to impress with the "classy" atmosphere afforded by the "Wylie Opry". Just so you won't have to wait that long Dad is going to order a DVD of tonight's show. Am sure the experience will be lacking as I think you would have to be there to get the full effect.

It's late and I'm tired--a big evening--you know.

We love you and miss you both so much. You see what boredom has led us to....

Love, MOM

Another Vanity Project Someone Should Have Stopped

You know what being pretty and having big boobs will get you? IF you're an actress, pretty much anything. Sometimes even a record deal. Because nothing says I'm good at everything like being sort of good at one thing.

Case in point: Scarlett Johansson's debut album "Anywhere I Lay My Head". I hope her debut album is also her finale as well as her greatest hits. For anyone who think I'm overly critical, I'll just let you revisit her karaoke triumph in Lost in Translation. But wait, karaoke is *supposed* to sound bad some of you might argue.

Well to those of you who believe that, listen to this single from her album -- S Jo's own version
Personally, I believe that's hubris -- only Tom Waits sings Tom Waits. I would also submit that this version is terrible, although the Waits apparently oked this. And David Bowie is singing back up vocals. Not to mention the video seems to be a tribute to how "difficult" it is to be beautiful and get made up and what not.

All of which just makes me wonder what is wrong with the unvierse.

You can hear the original falling down here.

Monday, May 5, 2008

More Emails From My Mother: A Cinco de Mayo Post

As longtime readers know, my mother often sends me delightful, holiday themed emails. They range from boring to insipid, vaguely offensive to outrageous. Not quite sure where this one fits....
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT?? You expected something educational ?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Apologies to my Fellow Bloggers

Apologies: I can't read your stuff at work for fear of being busted. And since I work 10.5 billable hours every day (that means more like 11 with a lunch break and whatnot and a hour total to get to and from work) I have almost no computer time. So I'm very sorry I haven't read your brilliant blogs. At some point, I'll a) catch up and b) write stories about work. But right now, I'd rather write about the detritus that floats around my head at work. And I'll visit you all soon.

I also apologize for the ongoing sub-par quality of my blog. Thanks for your patience.


Ms. Laaw-yuhr, Esq.

P.S. I passed the DC bar.

Activity of The Week: Vanity Projects

Should I ever become a world famous lawyer, or world famous anything, the first order of business will be to start a vanity project. For those of you who don't know, a so called "vanity project" is a side gig, often what one considers his/her "true calling" but is actually done to stroke one's already enormous ego. The logic is that the person (me in this case) has lucked up and become famous in one field and therefore thinks his/her "talent" will translate equally well to another field. This is of course a complete fallacy. Some classic examples:

Nero: the emperor who fiddled while Rome burned as the saying goes. Nero actually wasn't such a bad emperor - though while a spectacular fire was ravaging Rome, he took a moment to write some fire-inspired poetry. And he was a truly wretched artist, but he always entered poetry contests which he always seemed to win. I guess other poets preferred keeping their heads to having them crowned with laurels. It's kind of like if W. were a country singer. Unlike W. however, Nero did manage to make some decent decisions as emperor. During the fire he evacuated people to the public gardens where they were temporarily housed and subsequently passed a law requiring the first two stories of all Roman buildings must be stone to help prevent future fire. All in all, better command than the Katrina aftermath.

But what about a more recent example you say? Let's turn to none other than a band, a personal favorite of my sister's, known as 30 Odd Foot of Grunt - aka TOFOG - aka The Russell Crowe Vanity Project Band. You know what you should do if you're an Oscar award winning actor? Channel that mojo into you're 7th grade dream of starting a band. Not to worry - you're lyrics will be the sort you would have come up with in 7th grade. Please to enjoy the following video by TOFOG for his hit "The Weight of a Man". And be sure to watch for the following:
  • band members that materialize out of the wall
  • over use of rose petals
  • cymbols that have strangely accumulated dust
  • video created to evoke Gladiator, but also says "now I'm a matador"

Now that you have seen the video, does anyone else think RC might have written this song to convey that he has a mighty penis? Let's review the lyrics:

This could be heavy,
not as easy,as it seems.
Quite tough to carry,
a lot more inside,that no-one has seen.

But you lying there,
you're not one bit scared,
to shoulder,
a burden like me.

I rest my case.

And what will my vanity project be? Why, it will be a band. A band called (DON'T OPEN LINK AT WORK) Cisco Adler's Nuts , for the sheer visceral reaction and the awesome lawsuits that will inevitably result. See my sis will join too, and we're like two peas in a pod, or like two, well, you know.... And since our heads are completely up our asses at this point, our first album will be titled "We're Already Big In Japan".

Now tell me about your future vanity project.


Monday, April 14, 2008

The Most Pretentious Facebook Page Ever

Yeah, sorry about the hiatus. I've been sick. And working seven days a week as a contract attorney. And the dog ate my homework.

But a while back my sister came to visit. And over many alcoholic beverages, we shared our amusement the very pretentious Facebook pages that some people have created. Come on, do you really want me to believe little 25 year old child that your favorite book is Plato's Republic? Would you like a side order of douchebaggery with your pretention?

So in honor of these brave souls, who shall remain nameless, who set out to create facebook pages that appear to shine with intellect but instead are the sounding brass of mediocrity. In their honor, my sister and I created THE MOST PRETENTION FACEBOOK PAGE EVER. We also took a really pretentious picture of her in the DC cherry blossoms.

Most of the items in the "Interests" section were chosen by going through the dictionary and picking out words we didn't know, so don't feel inadequate if you don't know either.

Now, Behold the page in all its glory!

R**** G*****,

if only for the sake of elegance, is trying to remain morally pure.



Interested In:


Relationship Status:

In a Relationship

Looking For:



May 3, 1982

Religious Views:


Personal Info


tisaning, commensalism, periphrasis, laicizing, envaginating, learning to overcome my corporeal existence


bailiwick, lascers, saggers, graban, emetine, gordian knots, megilp, megaspores, semiotics, telotaxis, villein, the Buryat Republic, the allegory of the cave, Admiral Bembo's Ladder,

Favorite Music:


Favorite TV Shows:

TV is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Favorite Movies:

Weekend (Jean Luc Goddard); Sleep (Andy Warhol); Un chien andalou (Dali et Buñuel); Ballet mécanique (Léger); Le charme discret de la bourgeoisie (Buñuel); Satyricon (Fellini)

Favorite Books:

Atlas Shrugged; Paradise Lost; Human, All Too Human; The Brothers Karamazov; Moby Dick; The Well Wrought Urn; The Oeconomicus; À la recherche du temps perdu

Favorite Quotes:

so much depends


a red wheel


About Me:

That which you call your soul or spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call 'free will' is your mind's freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character.

15 groups.

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Goethe Institut(e) im Göttingen (Goettingen)Sherlock Holmes Club and Purveyors of SherlockianaCognitive SemioticsExistentialismCenter for Linguistic DiversityRaw Food Life StyleWhitehot Magazine of Contemporary Art: the official Facebook groupNouvelle VagueMatthew BarneyThe Harold Pinter Appreciation SocietyFREE TIBET!West Dean CollegeCordwainers College (London College of Fashion)University of the Arts- LondonThe Youngin Europe Facebook Group

Your results for What German philosopher are you?

Martin Heidegger

You are Heidegger: his main interests were in ontology, metaphysics, the history of Western philosophy, and technology. He is most known today for his writings on Phenomenology, Hermeneutics and Existentialism. He is criticized for joining the Nazi party during World War II, and modern philosophers don't agree about his intentions. Like Heidegger, you enjoy secluding yourself often to think about life and philosophy. You're passionate, and your relationships can sometimes be stormy.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Jumper: Or Crappy Movies You Can Tell A Guy Wrote

You know, we ladies get a lot of flack for our so called "Chick Flicks". And I'll agree, a lot of that criticism is fair.

Then again, I do have a vagina, so I do enjoy a number of those movies (e.g. Music and Lyrics). I will not pretend that they are great cinema, but they are occasionally an enjoyable cinematic diversions. (And no, I do not make any guy I date go to see them, just like I'm not going to watch some stupid f*ing football game with you).

Likewise, though guys deny it, there is a similar species of film that exists for the less-fair sex. I'll call them "Man Flicks" for lack of a better term. Sure, guys try to camouflage them as something else, but they are guy relationship films. High Fidelity is an example of the best, and most honest of the form, the rest being thinly veiled action/sci-fi films and whatnot that are really just guy wish fulfillment. This is the only logical explanation for the film

How do I figure? Well, first of all the film is 88 minutes in length and is ostensibly about this war between so called "Jumpers" who can teleport and the "Paladins" that have been around hunting them since the 13th century. The Paladins hunt the Jumpers because "only God should be able to be all places" or some such nonsense. Based on this flimsy, though action heavy premis, this movie should be full of unmitigated awesomeness. It should be all Samuel L. Jackson with his Mace Windu mojo going as the head Paladin. It should be the awesomeness of a centuries old war where we have people who teleport and then people with electro-whips who hunt the teleporters down. Yes, it should be unmitigated awesomeness.

What have we got instead? A guy date movie. The first 10 minutes of the film are devoted to Hayden Christansen (I don't even remember his character's name) liking an unattainable girl who's nice to him and then getting the crap beaten out of him by her boyfriend. Cut to the future where Hayden is a bank robbing douchebag who uses his power to hop to London to bang chicks. But you know, his heart is still in Ann Arbor with that girl from high school. (sigh).

This reminds me of something Robert A. Heinlein once wrote: "Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.

Anyway, so after a ton of time wasted on that opening scene, Mace er I mean, Samuel L. shows up to bring the fight to douchebag, who was previously unaware that there were other people like him and even less aware that there is a group of people devoted to his extinction. And after a proper whooping by Samuel L. what does Hayden decide to do? Does he lay lo and try to figure out who is after him? Does he does any sort of investigation or attempt to protect himself?

No. He decides that now would be a good time to track down his childhood sweetheart. And then he takes her to Italy - by PLANE - he doesn't teleport or anything. And then we spend about 20 or so minutes of the film wandering around Italy with them, where he pretends to be unable to teleport and that he earns his money in "banking" as opposed to robbing banks. (sigh). And yeah, it's just as boring as it sounds. I love Italy; I hated watching them ruin it. Where is the ass kicking I ask you? I even went to the bathroom during this part of the film. Belatedly, because they are so out in the open, the Paladins show up to catch Hayden, and then his boring lies to his girly girl begin to compound.

Now some of you may now be saying that this story line was interjected to appeal to female viewers. Not so I say. Why? Because then the relationship falls into the archetypal male relationship complaints, namely, "sure she's hot and I dig her, but why does she have to talk so much"? By talking I mean she begins to ask where he gets his money, and wants to know what's going on, and doesn't want him to lie to her, and why are they running, yada yada yada.

Gentlemen, I can assure you, this would not happen.

1) If you have a lot of unexplained money, I don't care where it comes from.
As long as not junkies are going to show up at my/your/our house, and I'm not going to get shot, I don't care where you get your money. In fact, don't tell me - I don't want to become an accessory to the crime (unless of course you marry me, and then in federal court our communications will be privileged and I can't be forced to testify against you). But in general, don't tell me - just keep the diamonds coming.

2) Seriously, you can teleport? I really don't care about anything else. Why didn't you just f*ing tell me sooner? Just teleport me somewhere awesome. Now. Oh come on. Ok, sure, people are after you, but you can TELEPORT. I can just see myself at brunch with the girls: "my boyfriend's a brain surgeon blah blah blah". Oh yeah, mine can teleport.

Honestly, we are not going to have your normal relationship problems.